oh me, oh my

(photo found here)

I'm scared. I look at the future and I feel a little overwhelmed.


There are times when I feel completely calm and I trust that I'm going to be okay, but then there also moments when I feel the way that I feel now. Scared. Unsure. A little lost.


I'm about to finish university, and I don't know if I'll be able to find a job that pays me enough to make it on my own. My dad thinks that it's going to be hell trying to find a job when I graduate.


And my lease runs out at the end of July. I don't graduate till two weeks later! And after that I don't know where I'm going. Every day I have a different idea, and yet no plan.


And I'm currently in another country! Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing. How did I get here?


This isn't normal behavior for me (well the anxious, plan-happy, controlling me). To just go to another place, not knowing anyone. To not all of the details of my future. To just let things unfold. The control freak in me is freaking out.


But the thing is, I've grown so much already. I see how God is working in my life - freeing me. And I know I can trust that He will be my provision. But sometimes I find it extremely difficult because I see the possible outcomes. I start to dwell on the if's. 


What if I graduate and I don't find a job? What if I have to move back in with my parents? What if I never get a clear direction of where to go? What if I do all I thought I should and fail horribly? What if I miss the things I have to leave behind?


How do I do this? It's intimidating. Growing up is incredibly intimidating.


I need to stop worrying. I know He has a plan. I need to trust. I NEED to trust, even when it's hard to.